This paper never really makes a strong argument thesis; it
has a very broad verity of topics but nothing that really makes one point
strongly or a freaking point. It has a
lot of use of the words “us” and “you” a lot; it’s almost as if I talk about
the entire population as one person. On the
opposite side of the spectrum I also use “they” a lot making it seem like there
are good people and bad people when trying to make a point instead of backing
it with raw facts. More facts behind
statements instead of opinion. Citation is
awful! Needs a lot of work on proper citation and more than just one person
being cited in the paper. Finally spend
more time on the meat and potatoes, find more facts and more sources and cite
them correctly, but ultimately pick a solid topic that clear points can be made
on. AND SERIOUSLY STOP ADDRESSING THE
READER DIRECTLY!. Until you learn how to use it right.
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